Friend and Foe: Going to Treatment

Five Years Ago

I still remember the day when my life was changed forever. I was in my first semester of college on the east coast. By that time only my mom, the health office at my school and I knew that I was struggling with an eating disorder. It was the friday before Thanksgiving and I was looking forward to seeing my mom who was planning on visiting me.

As per usual, I went to my bi-weekly appointment at the nurses office to check in about how I was doing. These appointments were the only things keeping me alive. They were just enough accountability to help me eat just enough food to pass whatever tests the doctors would give me; or so I thought.

I remember walking into my appointment, thinking all was normal. I had been doing fine, I told myself,  but the doctors thought differently. That day they gave me an ultimatum. Either I go to residential treatment or I had to leave the school. I was heartbroken. School was everything to me. I tried to talk my way out of it by making false promises to eat more or exercise less but it was no use. They had already called the treatment center and said I would be in later that day.

As I walked out of the office I could barely breathe. Al

I went back to my dorm room and texted a friend. Then I told her that I had been struggling with an eating disorder for a while and I was going to go to treatment. She asked if there was anyone I could call and I remembered that I had a family friend who could pick me up.

The next six hours were torture. I packed up all my belongings and took them to my family friends house. Then I gathered some clothing to take to treatment and headed to the center. I felt like I was going to jail.

When I got to the residential center I said goodbye to my family friend. The nurses and mental health care workers looked through all of my things. Then they showed me to my room and that was that.

Treatment

People oftentimes associate treatment with ‘rehab” but for eating disorder recovery we call it residential. At residential, patients must follow the rules including eating three meals and three snacks everyday. Patients get their blood drawn once a week and have vitals done every morning.  Then you have group all day, meaning therapy sessions to talk about yours and others issues, and individual therapy sessions on top of that.

With each day I slowly got more and more food into my body and my brain started to work again. Even though my eating disorder was petrified I started to realize that treatment was the first time I felt relief in a long time. Yes, everyday was hard. I hated having to eat and it was very stressful not being able to run but that was my eating disorder freaking out. The real Hannah was relieved that she didn’t have to make a decision about when, what and how much to eat. She was thankful that she didn’t have to run for hours everyday and do sit ups until her back hurt. She was happy that she got to talk to someone about how sad she felt and eternally grateful to find out that she was no longer all alone.

Closing Thoughts

This post is for all the people who are struggling with the idea of going to treatment or not. On the surface, treatment might feel like torture and the worst thing imaginable. But that is your eating disorder talking. Treatment is the biggest self-care you can do for yourself. It is putting your health and life before anything else.

Yes, it is probably going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done. But it is worth it. Because YOU are worth it!

Continue Reading: Eating Disorders; What Are They and Who Do They Impact?